Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Adult Teenager

I have no idea what the future holds for me.  For the first time in my life I am not terrified by this.

For twenty years I worried about surviving, living well and trying to mimic the lifestyles of other people who carried the label of "success" on their clothes, houses and cars.  I made a sincere effort to be a "good husband and father".  When that life fell apart I picked up and tried to do it again.  The second attempt fell apart too.

I noticed the other day that at 36 I am still doing the things I did when I was 16.  I hang out in my room listening to music, drawing, collecting toys and comic books, and daydreaming about sci-fi/fantasy worlds I make up to entertain myself.

Why did I start to think that a romantic relationship was required for me to be happy?  I mean, I would certainly enjoy the company of an attractive woman who shared my ideas, values and sense of humor.  The differance is that I used to think that being alone was a dismal sign of failure.  I would go with any woman who would have me just so that I wouldn't be alone.

"Love" and money have failed to bring me happiness.  Planning for the future has proven to be a sure fire path to failure.  Wallowing in self pity over history that can't be changed doesn't do anything positive for me either.

I asked a friend if she thought I was merely weird or if there was something genuinely wrong with me.  She told me that she thinks I am a creative individual looking for a way to express myself.  I feel that is the best analysis I've been given since I was in my twenties and the actress Elmarie Wendel took my face in her hands and told me that I wasn't an evil thing of darkness, but a child playing in a dark cave, spooking himself for fun.

My body ages but on the inside I stay the same.  I guess that's why I'm so good with kids.

I am tired of feeling ashamed of myself for liking comics instead of cars, toys instead of sports, board games instead of one night stands.  Why do other people feel compelled to condemn me for being "immature"?  I don't condemn them for choosing to become boring old people. 

My life works for me.  The people I care about care about me in return.  When the situation needs to change I will rise to the occasion and do what needs to be done.  Until then it's action figures and rock-n-roll all the way!

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